The unedited and unapologetic stream of thoughts on all things important from parenting and penny pinching to podcasting about people from the 'hood. While societal norms keep most tight-lipped on their own ideas, opinions, and mistakes, Stacy Snyder brings you straight talk with ParentUnplugged, I Am Your Neighbor, Living Large, and Y'all Are Gay?
I can explain the division of our country in one powerful sentence excerpted from a conversation with my dad on the phone tonight, where he stated, “You and Katie wear your being gay like a badge of honor, and make sure everyone knows about it.”
I didn’t know I had a badge, much less one of honor, but now I know what it looks like to some.
As were furthered our conversation I realized that his comment was not born of hatred or anger or even embarrassment, but simply founded from fear…..fear of the unknown….fear of something he’s never seen percolate to its finale. Maybe if he had been surrounded with more non-traditional relationships growing up, he wouldn’t think as he does. Maybe if he had been subjected to more loving relationships, he wouldn’t be as afraid. But the truth of the matter is that we’re all just a product of our own small worlds and what we think we know to be true.
It’s fear that keeps us separated as a people. It’s fear that keeps us from fully listening to a contradicting opinion, for it may hold an ounce or resemblance to our own. It’s fear that chokes us into believing that we can’t give freely to someone else for panic that it might deplete our own supply. It’s fear that keeps us from accepting one another because we don’t know what it would look like, and it’s fear that makes my dad think when I introduce my wife as my partner, other mother, or wife, that I’m trying to be militant about being gay.
Entwined in an almost-20 year relationship with my wife, with whom I’ve shared 5 feral cats, 3 apartments, 3 dogs, 3 homes, 3 fish, 2 children, 2 pregnancy losses, 2 hermit crabs, 1 frog, and all of our history, family, and friends, I do wear a badge of honor, that of love. I am damn proud of it too, not because Katie’s a woman or because we were allowed to get married or because I bucked the system, but because this shit is hard!
To maintain any relationship is hard, but to not only maintain, but sometimes almost overturn the boat and other times rock the hell out of this marriage, is a pure miracle, peppered with a lot of hard work.
Thank you, Dad, for sharing your thoughts with me. I’m a better person because of our conversations, even though I don't always like them nor their topics. I don’t judge you or feel angry with your comments, as I know exactly where they came from….the only thing you know, same as all of us. But now it's time for all of us to see something different and challenge what we know, so that we can see the world for what it is....filled with a variety of people different than us.
Maria Rivera is the bomb diggity of making the world a better place through speaking up, caring, helping, teaching, and activism. She was the same caretaker chick twenty years ago when we saddled bar stools next to one another at The Closet and discussed life and love while cocktailing. She took care of people in the bar, their pets, their homes, and allowed them to take care of her in return.
Today, she teaches at CPS and 826CHI, participates in Chicago Shakespeare Theater with her students, volunteers her time and energy all over town, and recently appeared in the documentary The Homestretch, which chronicles the lives of Chicago homeless teens. She took in teen Rocque to live with her and her family and shares the struggles for underprivileged kids in the documentary.
Maria's own childhood contributed to who she is today and how she views and interacts with the world around her. If I were to choose one person in the whole world that most embodies the concept of neighbor, I would choose Maria.
Please check out her story above, the anecdote about making the video below, and if interested at all in keeping up with I Am Your Neighbor, please subscribe to my YouTube channel.
Y'all I thought I had this Octogenarian thing covered, as I've spent a large chunk of my life hanging with people 20-40 years older than myself, as I truly dig my elders. From teachers and grandparents to my parents' posse, to friends and mates I've custom-picked over the years specifically because of their accumulated worldliness and sophistication, I feel like I'm in tune more than most with the seniors.
But CK Perez, this mighty mouse ball of physical energy that my co-host, Tammy Azzarello has known for over twenty years through the YMCA, took me by surprise! While I expected from her a powerhouse of strength from years of swimming, lifeguarding, bodybuilding, dancing, rock climbing, and biking, I did not expect it to be backed by so much self-reflection and scattered life experiences.
Bottom line, after hearing about CK's impact on Tammy, I hoped for a neat little package of connected dots that all led to an end result of an 80-something-year-old human with life's purpose securely emblazoned on her chest. Instead, CK showed me - through weeks of scouring our interview clips with her - that just doing for the sake of doing for yourself, is a perfect representation of chasing your happy, at any age.
I made a rare appearance in church a few ago to attend my youngest daughter’s First Communion rehearsal. My cradle Catholic wife, who took the sole responsibility of ushering our 8-year-old back and forth to CCD and church every Sunday for the last few years, was out of town for her new job training, so I filled in. To be honest, I didn’t want to go.
Despite converting to Catholicism a few years ago after completing RCIA, I never found the immense comfort in the church and its rituals that my ‘growin’ up Catholic’ counterparts touted. In fact, I still feel the exact opposite in mass…uncomfortable as an outsider. My daughter’s excitement during the rehearsal and nervousness over the upcoming milestone reminded me of my purpose, though, and I relaxed and leaned into the pew.
After the coordinator gave the specific instructions to the kids on how to act, when to walk, and where to sit, Father Grassi, our longtime pastor who is retiring at the end of this year, grabbed the mic and gave the parents some ‘helpful hints’ about how to make this event go down smoothly.
“Have your kids here at 9:30am. Not 9:40, not 5 till 10, not quarter of, but 9:30am. Parents, don’t make your kids suffer on one of the most important days of their lives because of your inability to be on time. They need time to calm down, pray, and prepare for this monumental day in their lives. Don’t put your schedule above their needs.”
Bam. He told us. And I heard him, loud and clear. I’d never considered the ramifications of my own tardiness on my kids.
“And pictures, I’m going to talk about pictures. They are not allowed during the mass. Have some respect for the celebration and your child. Take part in their special day by praying for them as they walk in instead of flashing a light in their eyes. Be present.”
He went on to say that he would halt mass and ask people to leave if they take photos, which I thought was pretty awesome that he was so firm in his conviction.
The rehearsal ended, the real deal took place the following Saturday, and us parents all did as we were told and the first communicants entered the next phase of their lives with flying colors, and life resumed as normal.
However, Father Grassi’s words still stick with me and seem to apply in every situation I’ve encountered since. Not the tardiness and the camera stuff, but the idea of taking the time to give the “this is how we do it” speech in a way that not only sets up an expectation, but also explains why said expectation is set.
I told my daughter that it’s not acceptable to have her beau in your bedroom alone with the door closed, as it can create too much opportunity and blur the level of formality that a young relationship typically has, as well as give a very specific impression to others when done with a group of people around outside the bedroom door. She needed to know.
While we can agree that kids need this for sure, I don’t think it’s really any different with adults. We need to set boundaries and intention for others, as well as hear and acknowledge others’ expectancy. Of course people don’t always meet our expectations, nor us theirs, but by spelling it out each and every time, there’s NEVER a moment when we don’t understand why something went sideways.
Think about it in terms of a job. We’re usually given a title and a job description and training on how to execute those tasks. If you don’t meet the written expectation, there’s no surprise when you get written up or fired for lack of performance.
Photo of Father Grassi courtesy of mildsauce.org
How about as a spouse, a mother, a friend, a patient, or a mentor? While these don’t traditionally come with a pre-printed playbook, they run a hell of a lot smoother when we take some basic stabs at formulating rules of play!
While most people subconsciously seek boundaries, even if for the sole intent to cross them, we have difficulty dishing out those same rules of engagement. Why is that? Are we afraid of ridicule, or worse yet, rejection?
As an adult with a decent education and prolonged exposure to society, business, culture, diversity and their respective norms, I still need some schoolin' from time to time on something as simple as being late. That I can accept. Yet it’s not as easy to draw out the lines of expectation for others.
Can I ask someone to leave when they’ve overstayed their welcome? Can I tell a client we can no longer work together over respect issues? Can I chase a new passion even though I have not yet fulfilled the last?
While these questions reek of discomfort, each is answered with a resounding YES when your hand has been laid out.
I’m tired and have a long day tomorrow so it’s time to wrap it up. I can’t do my best work when I’m distracted by the way you treat everyone around you as less than. I need to be heard in order to survive so I keep testing the mediums until I get it right.
It all comes down to my favorite topic, which is living in the world of reality versus adhering to the stories we tell ourselves based on our own insecurities.
My favorite author, Armistead Maupin of Tales of the City, says, “The world changes in direct proportion to the number of people willing to be honest about their lives.”
This is my mantra. This is how I roll. Thank you Father Grassi for teaching me a lesson while existing within my world.
I had an episode at the gym a few month ago where I had a meltdown of epic proportion over a personal trainer that wanted to use the equipment I was using for her own client. I've let the anger simmer for months, always on the verge of boinging over each time I enter the gym, to the point that I've wondered about the impact of gym anger while working out, as I sometimes feel like I'm going to explode when I'm there. I finally decided that the increased heart rate and most likely high blood pressure I experience every time I go to LA Fitness is not worth the amount I pay in monthly fees, so I finally cancelled my membership and decided to do hot yoga for a while (Om on the Range fits the bill quite nicely). After cancelling and breathing deeply, I felt so much better, and I decided to write a letter to the officers of the company to describe my experience and offer my suggestions for better customer service in the future. I consternated over the letter for weeks, but finally a sense of relief washed over me as I mailed off the 3-page letter, complete with pictures of where the current roped-off training area resided and where the proposed spot should be moved. I was convinced that I had done my part to ensure the future betterment of LA Fitness while concurrently getting the anger off of my chest. Each time I went to the gym over the next few weeks until my last membership day expired, I wondered if anyone was looking at me funny because I had written that letter. I imagined the CEO passing it down to the the Regional Operations Manager, who who convey its contents to the District Manager, who would share the wisdom with the Manager of the Lawrence Avenue club. Surely the implementation of my suggestions would take place before my last day of membership. After work one day I retrieved the following pieces of mail from the entryway:
Episode 1 is ripe for the plucking. Matt Roben lives the life we all fantasize about...the one that actually feeds his passions. Check out his anything-but-vanilla world by clicking the arrow above.
Please let me know your thoughts on the show and ideas for upcoming shows or offer to help if you're so inclined (Tammy Azzarello and I currently need someone to help with filming and editing). Get new shows delivered to you when they come out by following my StacySaysIt blog or typing in your email address to the right under 'subscribe by email,' or by subscribing to my YouTube channel. Or just follow me on Facebook or Twitter and check in when you want.
Whatever you do, do it because you love the show, not because someone told you to do so, including me. As maid Aibileen told baby-girl Mae Mobley each morning in The Help, "You are kind. You are smart. You are important." Take that and run with it and live life the way you want to live it, as you don't need to fit into any mold, blend in with any group, or seek accolades from any society.
Be bold. Be strong. Believe in yourself. It's enough.
On the 4th of July in 2016, I met a new neighbor in my 'hood and instantly thought, 'we should create a talk show together.' Over cocktails and fireworks, a loose idea was born for I Am Your Neighbor. Tammy Azzarello and I crafted the concept of tracking down and chatting with people that live authentically, without trying to do so, as we feel that completely represents who we are. We realized that between the two of us, the only similarities we share are natural curiosity, loud mouths, and thick black books overflowing with acquaintances that would qualify for our Chicago-based show. We are your neighbors.
Having worked in radio as a producer and talk show host 20-some years ago in Chicago and Indianapolis, I know how to put a show together. I've tried over the years to do my own gig, partner with old co-hosts, and even sent a Stacy Snyder demo into the OWN network, hoping for my big break into television.
None of those things worked, but they all taught me loads of lessons.
I don't need a job that pays me to be a talk show host. I can simply do it if I want to.
I don't need credit after credit under my belt to be taken seriously. I love what I do and I will be taken into account by those whom I affect, byline or not.
Every thing I've done up until now has led me here and this place will lead me to the next, such as:
watching Oprah haul the 67 lbs of fat onstage in a wagon on The Oprah Winfrey Show
getting fired from the only job I ever LOVED, LesBiGay Radio
moving to Dallas to be close to family
losing a baby boy mid-pregnancy and processing the grief with a lack of financial stewardship
fleeing Dallas in an attempt to avoid becoming that which I despised
actively choosing a life that matters to me instead of chasing the one I think others think I should live, which only resides in my jacked up brain
trying and failing at getting my book published, Y'all are Gay? How I Made it Out of Texas Alive
keeping track of, i.e. sometimes stalking, every friend that has ever means something to me in my life and not giving up till they tell me to back the freak off
Today I'm happy as a lark. I don't need anything from this show, I just want to do it and it matters to me: simple as that.
This is the introduction. Stay tuned for regularly updated shows, each featuring at least one Chicagoan living life to the fullest by doing what comes naturally, pursuing a passion that may or may not have relevance to any other human being!
Please let me know your thoughts on the show and ideas for upcoming shows. Offer to help if you're so inclined (do you know it took over 20 hours of video editing for me to come up with 5 minutes of airtime?). Follow my ParentUnplugged blog where I write when I cannot speak effectively one-on-one, subscribe to my YouTube channel and/or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
Whatever you do, do it because you love it, not because someone told you to do so, including me. Know that you are worthwhile just as you are. You don't need to fit into any mold, blend in with any group, or seek accolades from any society.
Be bold. Be strong. Believe in yourself. It's enough.
