Many of us disagree on parenting styles. Some of us are tough love parents, others of us are anything goes, and even more of us rest somewhere in the middle of
the two. While in another day and age, most
parents subscribed to an unspoken code of behavior for their children that
included basics such as showing respect for elders, practicing good manners
toward all, and basically functioning under the Golden Rule, today’s parents don’t
agree on what the social norm is or
should be for children’s behavior. Some don’t
acknowledge a social norm even exists at all, and that kids should be allowed
to “just be kids” so we don’t thwart their creativity or development into
authentic human beings.
The social norms part is key, and touches right at the root
of a growing problem in today’s world of parenting, the decline of social responsibility.
What does that mean?
Wikipedia explains social responsibility as, among other things, “an
individual, group, or entity’s obligation to act to benefit society at large.” In parenting, think of it as considering the
impact your parenting has not only on you and your family, but on other kids,
parents, teachers, and society at large.
Take, as an example, back talking. As a parent, maybe you actively decide it’s
not one of your hot buttons and it doesn’t bother you that much. Maybe you prioritize other behavioral issues
as more important than curbing your kids from answering you with a smart
mouth. Could be that you’ve created a
situation where it’s easier to ignore it and after repeated occurrences of your
kids sassing you without ramification, you passively give them the green light
to continue it. In any regard, it’s your
house and your problem, right? Yet the
second your child walks out your door to school, to sports practice, to church,
or God forbid, to my house, your impudent child becomes someone else’s problem.
This is a lack of parental social responsibility. It creates problems for others.
When a teacher has to ask your older child to rework his
statement into a question, complete with a tone adjustment and a polite ‘please’
at the end, and you tell your child that said teacher is simply a perfectionist and a pain in the you-know-what, you are not participating in your parental community
obligation. When your child throws a fit
in front of an entire group of kids because she wants a treat right now that no
one else can have, and you give in to her, despite the negative situation it creates
for everyone around you, you are actively waiving your communal accountability
to parenting. When your child answers
“Whatever” to another parent in response to a request, and
you fail to correct it, you have not only given up on your child, but you’ve turned
your back on your societal obligation as a parent.
Why are parents opting out of social responsibility? Maybe the pace of our lives has simply quickened
so greatly in the past few decades that we’re missing a parenting beat. Good grades, winning sports seasons,
impeccable music skills, and artistic abilities all hold their place on our
parental barometer of raising a good kid.
Shouldn’t common courtesy, respect for others, and the ability to hold
one’s tongue not demand the same reverence on the scale? It’s possible we’re so caught up in
manufacturing well-rounded, multi-dimensional children capable of great success
that we’ve forgotten to teach them the art of decency.
The pot is boiling and is about to bubble over. I wish I could just say that today’s kids who
didn’t learn the basics of good manners would just be left out of the job force
until they learned it. Instead, if the
majority of today’s crop of kids is left unchecked, they will simply turn into
tomorrow’s adults creating new societal norms of behavior. I, for one, have no interest in contributing
to that change.
Let’s turn the heat down and reclaim our shared interest in this
world. This means taking that extra
minute to talk to your child about courtesy and kindness. Tell them WHY it’s important to be considerate. Explain what it means to treat people and be
treated with respect. This also means
taking one for the team and having those same conversations with other kids
whose parents may not have gotten the memo or simply are not present when a
situation arises. Parents are so scared
of offending other parents that we often don’t step in when we should, simply
because when the teachable moment arises, it’s someone else’s kid standing in
front of you. Every one of our children
will make mistakes from time to time, same as we did as kids, same I still do
now. Social responsibility calls for us
all to work on the same front for the cause.
Your kid, my kid, it’s all the same….we all want to live in a world of
people treating each other with respect.
Set clear expectations of behavior with your child/teen and
lay out specific consequences to be doled out if they’re not met. Pay attention to what they say and do at home
and make corrections on the spot, because you can be sure they’re doing the
same thing out in public and at school. Stick
to your guns on discipline. Going
through the motions of creating the standards and not adhering to the
enforcement of the same does more harm than if you had never created the norm
at all.
It’s hard to parent.
It’s even harder to parent well. You’re
not out there alone. We’re all going
through the same thing. There’s not a one among
us that is perfect, has all the answers, or hasn't made loads of mistakes. But if we all join
together, take this one issue, social responsibility as it applies to raising
our kids with civility, and do the best we can with our kids for the name of
the whole instead of just ourselves, we will make a huge impact not only on
society and our neighborhood community, but on our family life and our individual
children as well. As Mister Rogers used to say, "Won’t you be my
neighbor?"