Hometrainin'

As I encounter more and more kids and teenagers in situations where I am dumbstruck with the lack of respect, accountability, and manners they display, I am acutely aware of myself getting older and older, and how my thoughts and complaints about kids these days must mirror those of my parents 35 years ago when they encountered kids and teenagers in an alien-esque fashion, and their parents before them.  

“Those damn teenagers,” I could imagine another generation of parents lamenting after hearing loud rock n’ roll music wave downstairs into the kitchen from their child’s room above.   

“Well I have never in my life….,” I can guess another mother might have said fifty years ago after seeing her daughter bound out of the house without a bra or proper hairbrushing, and wearing a halo of flowers on her head and a hippie skirt over her unshaven legs.

My current day complaint of kids being disrespectful to me, to their teachers, to their classmates, to their parents, and to society at large, might just be the passing of the torch from my parents to me of their misunderstanding the new crop of young people. 

I think it’s more than that, though.  I think we are failing as parents today to give our kids the proper home trainin’ they deserve, creating a lazy, entitled, unappreciative, and snotty crop of kids, destined to set a precedent for years to come.  

I see it everywhere I go.  Kids shouting at their teachers.  Tweens rolling their eyes at their principal.  Preschoolers smacking their classmates.  Teens lying to their parents.  Grade-schoolers giving the school volunteers ‘the finger’ as they turn their back. 

None of these actions are surprising, but instead expected.  Kids learn to be the people they grow into by testing their boundaries.  It’s human nature.  What’s astounding to me is that I don’t see punishment or ramifications being handed out by anyone for these kids’ actions.  With no consequence, the actions are repeated, become frequent, and become a way of life for some kids and young adults.  From the parents to the schools to the community at large, we’ve all decided complacency is the best medicine…just stand back and watch it all happen with no involvement or action.  By all means, let’s don’t come down hard on the kids, as we may damage them.  Seriously?  What we’re doing instead is destroying our kids’ chance of learning some of life’s difficult lessons as a minor, and instead setting them up with faulty expectations of how the world revolves (erroneously thought, around them).

Think of it, as a parent, if you correctly deal with an overly obvious foul like cheating or stealing when your child is still a minor, you can hope to both address the value at large that you want to teach, like honesty, as well as prepare your child for an adult version of the reaction she will expect from her action of cheating or stealing.  If you don’t properly address this issue when your child is still a child, your child will be shocked when she gets arrested as an adult for cheating or stealing, and have no idea why it’s wrong, since Mom or Dad let her skate by without consequence for cheating as a kid.

Time and time again, I’m flabbergasted at our responses as responsible adults, raised under a different set of standards than today’s kid.  Damage to property that’s not theirs?  No worries, they’re kids and that’s what they do.  No consequences doled out by damaged property owner, so kids have their first taste of getting away with something without a repercussion.  There once was a day when if a kid was blessed enough to avoid a rap sheet instilled by a third party, he still had his parents to reckon with.  Nowadays, parents don’t hand out the punishments either. 

“Just a stupid prank,” they say.  “It’s no big deal.”

How about the kids smoking pot on the school lawn in broad daylight, on a crowded weekend with 50+ kids and parents hanging out on the playground and another 50+ kids and parents walking in and out off the entrance where the kids are smoking?  Did anybody (including me) stop and advise the kids to move on, as there are kids around and it’s a felony to smoke on school property?  Of course not, as it’s not our problem and we don’t want to be confrontational.  Did the police show up when the incident was reported while the kids were still on the school property?  No, they didn’t respond either, as pot’s so low on the totem pole of criminal activity, or maybe they didn’t show up because they know the parents in the area are going to sweep it under the rug anyway.

More and more I see with my own eyes, and hear in open narrative from unashamed parents, kids being allowed to act inappropriately without consequence from their parents.  I don’t think it’s the attitudes of the parents toward the actions themselves, that has changed over the years, i.e. most parents still think that their young kids shouldn’t swear.  It’s more about parents’ lack of structure in setting up expectations of behavior and ramifications for not meeting those ideals that has changed.  While there has always been, and always will be, a wide array of opinions from parents as to what is deemed acceptable and unacceptable behavior for children, the general understanding since I’ve been alive has been that parents’ purpose is to guide and instruct kids, which sometimes (oftentimes) means disciplining them.  I always expected that as a child.  Please keep in mind I did a lot of shitty things as a kid and young adult….I was always in trouble.  However, I was ALWAYS held accountable for my actions.  This taught me how to survive in this world we live in.  My college degree, my academic honors, my impressive resume all mean nothing without the lessons I learned from my parents, my educators, and my elders, about accountability.

I don’t get the sense that many children today are held liable for their actions.  Of course this is a gross generalization.  I know many families both near and far that not only set expectations, model values they want their kids to learn, but also unwaveringly dole out penalties or consequences for the lack of adherence to those ideals.  It feels, however, that as a parent, those folks and I are in the minority.  Is this possible?

Volunteering to help keep the kids corralled at the school musical dress rehearsal this week, I was saddened by the actions of some of the kids and the lack of reaction to such.  I was shocked to see and hear the forwardness in which some of the older kids (7^th and 8^th graders) responded to parent volunteers, their teachers, and school security guards.  From boldly using profanity in front of parents and younger children, to saying they hated their musical instructors in front of other teachers and parents, to completely disregarding, disrespecting, and name calling parent volunteers, some of these kids were truly beasts!  Entitlement is the only thing that keeps ringing through my head. 

“They won’t get a job in this world,” another mom urgently whispered to me, after shushing two or three of the same unruly kids for the umpteenth time, and getting blank stares, snickering, and drop-dead looks from the teens, before they continued shouting to their friends.  As I nodded in agreement, she asked incredulously, “How can their parents raise them this way and expect them to be fully functional adults?”

Nail.  Head.  They won’t be fully functional adults as we, or maybe I should say I, at this point, since I may have lost many of you already in my rant, may know them.  They’ll be a new hybrid of surly kids from the school of ain’t got no hometrainin’, in which they were not educated in how to be good people, or at the minimum, act like good people!  As parents we’re performing such an injustice to our children by not preparing them for life, where they will get knocked down and dragged in the street for their inability to comprehend consequences for their actions.

The sad thing is they will get jobs, but not the ones they want.  Their parents will then complain that their kids are a product of the weak economy and the mess this country has put them in.  And I’ll be standing here to wholeheartedly disagree.  Your kids won’t flourish because you’re not giving them the tools by which they can own their choices!  Give them some freakin’ hometrainin’!  By that I mean teaching the basics to them of how to be decent people, and then holding them accountable for their actions.  From instilling values such as integrity, honesty, and respect through example, to coaching them in manners, consideration, and cause and effect, each acts as a building blocks toward a responsible, conscientious, human being that can live in reality. 

As I keep rolling the film in my head of the snarky attitudes I encountered  at the musical rehearsal (by and large the group as a whole was great!), I have to remind myself that it’s really not the kids I’m mad at…it’s the parents making excuses for them.  It’s the parents not requiring them to be decent at home, thereby allowing them to be rude at school and in public as well.  It’s the parents not supporting schools, teachers, organizations, and other parents when they try to enforce acceptable behavior in children.  It’s the parents who scoff at the idea of their child having to do anything other than show up to ‘make the grade.’  I’m angry at the teachers who don’t’ demand appropriate behavior, even though I know they don’t get the support from the school they need and the parents don’t take them seriously.  I’m angry at the administrators for being weary of the parents and not enforcing rules, so as not to make waves with the parents.  And most importantly, I’m angry with myself for not speaking up more…to kids to parents to school officials.  I too, have gotten lazy and have taken a huge step down from my soapbox, where I too, don’t always practice what I preach.  I could be more a part of the solution than part of the problem.

As a society, we’ve stopped old-school parenting.  We’ve stopped teaching our kids to do the right thing and live by the Golden Rule.  We’ve stopped demanding respect from our children, much less to those around us.  We’ve given up on teaching them courtesy, manners, and how to be cogs in the wheel.  We’ve instead filled their heads with the bullshit that they can do anything, be anyone they want, if they just will it to be, which we know will not happen if they don’t ‘work the program’ of respect taught in Hometrainin’ 101! I know many an acquaintance that has made it in this world by using manners, hard work, and doing what’s right.  I know just as many acquaintances who never made it anywhere, despite, advanced degrees, prestige, and the best that money can buy.

I often wonder if sometimes parents just decide that it’s easier to let their kids be, as they don’t have to be the bad guys if they don’t discipline them.    

“Kids these days…..” parents laughing say to other parents when their own children refuse to acknowledge them, much less answer their question of “what time will you be home tonight?” before stomping out of the house. 

My gut instinct when I’m standing on the other side of that conversation is to block the despondent teen walking away from her parent without a response nor a goodbye, and force her to address her mother with respect.  My second impulse is to give that mother a slap in the face, or throw a bucket of cold water over her head to get her attention so she can WAKE UP and see the monster she’s creating.  My final intuition, and usually the path most traveled, is to walk away from the situation and the family, and don’t come back.  Sure, every kid is going to act out from time to time, but experience has shown me that when parents allow blatant disrespect without ramification to happen in front of their friends or in public once, it usually happens again and again, which is my cue to exit stage left.  

Look, I know with 100% accuracy that my kids have and will act in ways that are or can be perceived as disrespectful to others.  I am also confident that my children will know when they’re doing it and will not be surprised when their next play date is cancelled or their bottom is walloped because of their actions or behavior.  I want them to have the experience now, so they experience cause and effect without too much discomfort as a child, as once they step over the threshold of adulthood, I can’t lesson the sting of consequence.  Even though it’s uncomfortable and sometimes even difficult to impose retribution for inappropriate actions, I’m comfortable knowing it will help them be better people in the end.  And after all, isn’t fashioning a good person just as important, if not more, than producing a math whiz or a millionaire or a president? 

To Be or Not to Be....a Good Parent

The definition of a good parent is subjective.  From self-reliant, to successful, to soccer extraordinaire, and everything in between, parents are judged on a lot of different markers when it comes to the outcome of their kids.  Some define a good parent as someone who takes care of his child’s every need, and then some.  Others classify a good parent as one who makes decisions in the best interest of her child first, before anything else.  Still another faction of folks designate a good parent by the level of respect and politeness said parent’s children demonstrate to others.  There’s no one, solid, correct answer.  Basically, as a parent, you have to choose what’s important to you to provide for your kids, and dig in from there.

It’s not easy, by any stretch of the imagination.  Sometimes it’s downright hard to make the decisions that you know are right for you and your family.  Take, for instance, today’s decision to let my child muster through running club after school without her running gear that she neglected to pack.  On the way to school this morning, I double-checked my 9-year-old that she had her bag running clothes for her after-school program.

“I have that today?” she inquired earnestly.

“Yep.  Every Monday and Wednesday.  Today’s Wednesday,” I responded matter-of-factly.

At that moment, the 2^nd bell rang from the school, still a half a block away, indicating it’s time for my daughter to hit it so that she can make it into her seat by the last bell.

“I’ll pick you up after run club!” I yelled after her.  “You’ll be fine in your jeans.  Love you!”

There was not time for my daughter to get upset.  She bolted across the street, down the block, and into the entrance of the school.  It was actually an ideal situation.  I didn’t have to deal with the moaning and groaning of her worrying how she will possibly run in jeans instead of sweatpants and her nice knit shirt instead of her long-sleeve thermal and sweatshirt.  There was no chance for her to ‘wa, wa, wa’ about how unlucky she is for having forgotten her good running shoes and tell me that she’ll probably get a blister from the shoes she has on.  It was just done.

I did an about-face and headed back home, without a second thought to the after-school running.  By 10am, I was debating whether to pack a quick bag and drop it off at school on the way back from dropping my little one at preschool. 

“No, I’m not going to do it,” I kept telling myself.  “This is good for her.”

My 4^th grader has had a hard time this year with organization and planning and scheduling.  First it was the homework…when to do which assignments during the week to meet her class deadlines and when to push it off until another day.  Next was how to function when getting home late from after-school activities, where she sacrifice some of her free time, family time, and homework time.  Now she’s working on finessing her morning routine so that she rises, takes care of her school preparations before eating and free-time, so that she’s always ready for her day.  My gut told me that this was a lesson for her in the last rung of her organization ladder.

I went on about my day, but by mid-afternoon, the freakin’ running bag entered my mind again!  Maybe I was being too much of a hard-ass and I should just throw her shoes and some sweats in a bag and drop them off in the office at school before the end of the day.  After all, she’s a good kid.  Competing in my head, though, ran a loop of a conversation I’d recently had with a school official regarding the high number of instances each day where parents drop forgotten items off at school for their children.  Lunchboxes, lunch money, gym clothes, homework, and projects….all things that their kids NEED to complete their day.  In reality, kids will scrounge off of someone else’s lunch, play volleyball in their Uggs, get a reduction in grade for late homework or request an extension.  In other words, it all works itself out.

Reminding myself of that, I decided to stick to my guns and drop the issue altogether.  My daughter of course made it through practice without a hitch, enjoyed her workout, and was only mildly annoyed at the fact that I had consciously decided not to bring her clothes to her in the middle of the day.  After thinking about it more, she said she completely understood and respected my decision and that it was a good lesson for her, but that she was still a little irritated by it.

Fine by me.  I’m her mom, not her fan club or girlfriend.  My job is to allow her to eventually figure things out on her own, experience consequences of actions, and see how the world really works.  The world works like this:  things don’t always go according to plan and sometimes you have to just deal with it.  She dealt, as did I.

A Moment to Treasure

I had one of those perfect moments with my child today.  You know the one, where time stops and you acknowledge the moment for what it is…something beautiful.  I was playing a friendly game of cards with my 4-year-old.  Our daily card game habit developed a few weeks back when we redecorated the living room and created a separate alcove in the front window area, complete with two comfy, antique lounge chairs separated by a small glass coffee table, which lends perfectly to a game table.

Depending on who’s playing, we rotate back and forth from games like Old Maid, Crazy Eights and Go Fish, to Snowflake, Rummy, and Double Solitaire.  Today the deck was dealt for Go Fish and the two of us took turns asking each other for cards, while being entertained by the notes of the piano being played in the background by my older daughter during her in-home piano lesson.   My piano-playing daughter started a new song….one I’d heard her practice a hundred times at home….one that I loved for its simplicity and beauty….one that made me stop and take note under ordinary conditions. 

But today, she was being accompanied by her piano teacher, and the combination of players and additional notes brought the song to life in a way I had never experienced.  It’s hauntingly beautiful notes demanded the attention of all within earshot, and our card game came to a standstill as tears burned the back of my eyes and eventually spilled onto my cheeks, as I was overcome with appreciation for the music being played, the teacher challenging my daughter to play more passionately, and my daughter’s love of creating such beautiful sounds.  My little card shark partner took note of the music as well, and her eyes started to mist over, as she left her chair and came closer to give me a hug and wipe the tears from my face.

As the moment of musical beauty slowly gave way to the special moment of appreciation my younger daughter and I were sharing together, she leaned in close to my ear and whispered, “Got an eight?”

Freedom to Fall

It’s so much easier and less nerve-wracking to coddle our kids than allow them to fall on their faces.  It’s so much better for them to bite it, though, as it not only let’s them experience failure, disappointment, and sometimes physical hurt that is required for them to keep perspective, but also can provide motivation for them to try again and confidence to keep going .

I like to think of myself as a hands-off parent, who gives my kids latitude when it comes to learning how to do things on their own.  I like to give ‘em the tools and let them put in the effort.  It’s great to hold that image, but the reality of the situation is that sometimes I baby them.  From helping them get ready for school in the morning to holding their hands when they’re learning to ice skate, I provide extra assistance that they just don’t need.  I may want to give it and they may want to receive it, but I’m really not doing anyone any favors.

We’ve always treated my eldest daughter like a little china doll, so delicate and frail.  While we tried to teach her to shake things off when she fell down or hurt herself, she seemed to need, or we seemed to need to give, a lot of reassurance each time.  The tears over taking a tumble on her scooter always elicited back patting and hand holding from us, and a wipeout on her skates was always instant hysteria.  

My 4-year-old has helped me learn to back off, though, with both of my kids, as she literally pushes me away as she always wants to do everything by herself.  Since she learned how to walk, she’s been on her own.

“I want to do it myself, Mom,” she’d say when I’d try to help her get her coat on.   

If I’d cajole one arm into her coat without her doing it on her own, she’d rip her arm out of the sleeve and put in back in….by herself.

“I can do it,” she’d say as she was rolling herself away from me when I tried to help her ride a bicycle without training wheels.   

She’d crash and fall and cut things open, but she finally did it….by herself.

The two girls have let their individual approaches blend a bit over the years, making my older daughter a bit tougher and my younger daughter a bit more calculated in her steps.  It’s helped me develop a more unified approach to ‘helping’ them as well.

My parenting approach regarding what they ‘need’ in regards to freedom to do things for themselves was put to the test recently at a day-ski resort.  While my girlfriend grew up skiing big mountains, I’d never done more than tobogganing in the Midwest.  We went for a day as a family last year and the girls and I took our first ski lessons.  We had a wonderful time and by the end of the day, maneuvered the bunny hill together.  This year we went back again, this time with friends, and put the girls in kids ski school in the morning, while I took a lesson of my own and the other adults skied without hindrance from the beginners.  At lunch time, the kids excitedly told us how they’d graduated from various stations on to the next.  Since they were making such progress, we decided to register them for the afternoon kids’ classes as well.

After paying for the additional lessons, the ski school instructor asked me if I wanted to give my consent for my older daughter to ride the ski life unassisted.  I was dumbfounded with the question, as I’d just ridden the ski lift unassisted for the first time in my life twenty minutes ago and fell flat on my face when exiting the chair.  It had been hard to get up and out of the way, and eventually the lift had to be stopped to accommodate me.  And that was just the ride up!  I won’t even broach the fear, excitement and wipeouts I encountered on the way down the hill.  As I stood there pondering how to answer the question about the lift for my daughter, I remembered the excitement and sense of pride my daughter had just a few minutes ago shared with me over learning to ski….on her own.  I gave the woman my consent and hurried back to the group to give them the go-ahead for ski school.

I wrestled with my own learning curve throughout the next few hours skiing.  While I mastered the lift, controlling my pace on the mountain was proving problematic.  I kept forgetting to turn to slow myself down and ended up face down in the snow on numerous occasions.   I knew I’d eventually get it, and my girlfriend and friends thought I’d have an easier run on another trail.  We headed over to the other hill, which was situated close to the kids ski school bunny hill.  As we stood in line for the lift, I noticed a child skier coming down the mountain we were about to climb.  The coat looked a lot like my kid’s coat and the funny red sunglasses were identical to my eldest daughter’s.  She finished her run and jumped on the lift, by herself, and made her way back up the mountain.  Sure enough, in the hour and a half since we’d dropped her at class, my scaredy cat older daughter had graduated out of the kids bunny slope and learned to ski with control down a mountain I had yet to even try myself!

I’ve never seen her more confident in her movement than on that hill.  We followed her up a few chairs back and watched as she navigated her way back down the hill on her skis.  She ran into trouble here and there, but easily got herself back on track like a pro.  Later, when class was over, we skied together for a few hours.  She tripped exiting the lift once, but didn’t even consider her usual crying routine.  She laughed at the akwardness of her position and painstakingly found her way back up to a vertical position.  She had so much fun that she didn’t want to leave.  More than that, she was so proud of herself and the time and energy and falls she’d put in to get to that place of control.  

Over on the bunny hill, my little daughter was hell-bent on taking the pull rope up by herself.  My girlfriend and I rotated off taking her up the hill on the rope, with her and her skis wedged between our skis. 

She’d say, “I can do it,” yet each time she tried alone, the rope would jerk her so hard that we thought it unlikely she’d make it even foot up alone, so we’d once again grab onto her, straddle her in between our legs, and ride up tandem.  

Each time we’d get to the top, she’d immediately veer off to the side and say, “Bye Mom,” and ski down the hill herself, willfully getting herself back to the tow rope entrance at the bottom of the hill, in hopes of riding up solo.

Finally I let go of the fear of her falling and just told her to try it.  As usual, the rope jerked her something fierce, but that little kid did not let go!  Up the hill she went, skis parallel.  She let go of the rope just short of the top and started to slide down backwards before falling into the snow, but she made it back to her feet, and skied down the hill from there.  That daredevil must have taken the tow rope back up that hill twenty times that afternoon.  She was proud as a peacock!  She was trying to tell other kids how to use the rope and in one case, offering advice to a mother trying to teach her own kids how to use the rope.

We sometimes forget how important that feeling of accomplishment of doing something on your own.  Doing something that no one else can take credit for, something that requires sacrifice, and sometimes blood, sweat, and tears.  We owe it to our children to let them experience joys, trials, and tribulations, or learning how to make it on their own two feet.  They’ll be falls and spills and slides backwards, but they’ll make it…if we just stand back and let them.