Are We Having Fun Yet?

Every evening after checking in with my girls on their remote study days, one of them usually asks how my day at work went.

  

“It was busy and I got a lot done,” I told Maddy, my 12-year old, when she asked last night while we were at dinner.

“Did you have fun?” she asked, “and did you play on the rolling ladder?”

I had to smile as my industrial design office sports a huge floor-to-ceiling rolling ladder across one full wall, used to post drawings, designs, and ideas on the felt surface to keep us all motivated and on track.  When Maddy comes to the office with me on the weekends when I have to finish up work, she climbs the ladder and asks me to push her back and forth across the floor for a ride.  It’s her favorite thing at my office, next to the killer sound system that blares out music from her iPhone to any room in the office with the click of a button.  She is free and happy on that ladder and having fun.

No, I didn’t play on the ladder.  But I do have fun at my job most days.  I feel fulfilled with my work and contributions, I enjoy my co-workers and usually find a way to bust a laugh or two during the day with at least of few of them, and I respect my boss and his mission for the company.

Frankly, I’ve been struggling to have fun when not at work.  Some of the things I used to do for sheer pleasure - playing volleyball, making music playlists, hanging out with my kids without agenda, writing, socializing with friends, producing a YouTube show, and dating, have all been turned on their end and I’m hustling to make appropriate adjustments.  I’m so busy focusing on filling the empty time I now have at home without plans, games, dates, and interview schedules, that I’m not enjoying the things I could still be rocking:  writing, making playlists, chilling with my girls, and taking time to just be.

In my rush to try and replicate what always has been, my busy life, I have inadvertently made it even busier than usual.  I have a hard time slowing myself down, and usually the universe and/or higher power remind me somewhat roughly, that it’s time to slow down.  Two weeks ago it was a 3-day migraine that forced to take time off and work from home.  Last week it was a twisted ankle that forced me to take time off of both work and physical activity, which led to taking time off of socializing.  What will it be this week?  I’m hoping nothing, as the less-than-gentle reminders have me putting my life in focus, at least for the moment.  

Having time to think and pay attention to those things around me - my home, kids, friends and self - I’ve realized that I’ve been ignoring them all in my wind tunnel of activity.  I had not been guiding my youngest in her technology usage, her navigating relationships within groups, nor tracking her physical whereabouts throughout the day when I was at work.  I had not noticed that my eldest was worried about her job at a restaurant that may soon shut down, which has become her entire social lifeline in the last few months.  I’d been neglecting myself in regards to healthy eating, necessary downtime, and creative outlets.  What I was putting out into the universe came back to me tenfold in the form of potential dates that were treating me with the same disregard.  

This past week I chose to consciously focus on my kids and make time to do what they consider fun.  The rewards of that decision have slayed me.  The conversations that come about when playing cards, walking the dog, making dinner together, and hanging out with my older daughter’s boyfriend with her, are fun, even though the topics are sometimes not so light.  The sharing of school projects and college essays without critique lended creativity and sparked conversation on concepts and ideas.  The pointed conversations about politics and national healing allowed us to recognize our humanity.  The carefree movie-watching allowed us to simply exist in harmony.  

The change bled into my personal life as well.  The phone calls I’m having with my friends and family when I set the phone, remote, and laptop down to really listen to what’s being said to me so that I can respond with intention, are fun.  Allowing myself time to consider the type of humans I want to incorporate into my dating life and then only focusing energy on those individuals, no matter how rare their existence in the world, is fun (and I can’t help but add empowering).  Lounging in the hanging chair reading a book and sipping tea or wine while watching the leaves fall from the top of the trees outside of my 3rd floor window is fun.  Writing is fun.

Thank you world for yanking me off of my hamster wheel and allowing me to focus on the beauty around me that I call fun!  Are you there yet?

Lose the Attitude

Yah, yah, it’s the holiday season and everyone is crazy busy planning holiday parties, gifts, greetings, and travel, while bells are ringing everywhere you go and the weather is cold, grey, and miserable.  This does not mean you’ve got a free pass to wear an attitude throughout your day because you are so busy and overwhelmed.  If fact, this is the best time of the year to lose the ‘tude, as people really need a break from your snarky comments and your perfunctory ‘I don’t have time to even look your way right now’ glare as you hustle past them in your car or in your heels, or God forbid, Uggs.  Think this could apply to you?  Then keep reading.  Think of it this way…if you lose the attitude for just one day, or even just one hour, in the name of making someone’s day better, you might end up just making your own day better.  It may be a pipe dream, but there’s always wishing that you may just make enough of a difference that you change the way you live altogether.  Cart.  Horse.  Baby steps.

Today my world was slightly tinted by a small change I made in my own presentation to society at large, quite by accident, I must admit.  It started innocently enough with the normal daily flurry of activity….early-morning lunches, lessons, breakfast, drop-off, exercise and shower.  But then I took my 5-year-old with me on an errand to my new favorite store, Hot Mama, in Evanston. 

The clothing store and its employees have changed my view on shopping over the past few months.  Not a shopper by nature, and further more not a clothes shopper at all, as it’s been difficult my entire life, to find clothes that fit me well, due to my height (or lack thereof) and fluctuating weight, I was referred to the store by a friend after telling her how hard it is to find clothes.  I had taken her advice and visited the store last month, where my wardrobe and attitude toward life was given an overhaul by the competent, but not pushy sales staff.  The “I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and say something looks good on you if it doesn’t, but I will get you flawlessly clothed and feeling like Pretty Woman” attitude of the first salesperson I encountered converted me instantly.  I walked out $700 lighter in the pocket, but feeling like I had won the lottery, as the Hot Mamas not only routed me toward clothes that actually fit my own body, but also taught me what to look for in garments that would fit me well and serve as staples in my wardrobe.  I’ve felt like a million bucks ever since. 

Unfortunately, I had discovered a small hole in one of the shirts I had purchased last month, so I went in to try and get a new shirt.  I’d already worn the shirt with the imperfection, and had found, when I took it off, in addition to the hole, a series of grease stains on the front of the shirt, probably from the once-a-year purchase of real bacon, that I had fried up earlier that morning.  I was worried about returning the shirt as it was stained, but I also knew I had paid a pretty penny for a shirt with a hole in the fabric.  I was not looking forward to the exchange.  The salesperson at Hot Mama apologized for the inconvenience, unsuccessfully looked for a replacement shirt off the rack, and then arranged for a new one to be delivered to my home from another store, all with a big smile while interacting with my preschooler.  End of story.  Pleased that my issue was handled so efficiently and kindly, I left the store in a great mood, ready to tackle the 12 other things on my list that needed to get done in the next 3 hours, fully knowing there was only time for 8 of them. 

The next three tasks seemed to “fall off the bone,” if you will, and I was well on my way to accomplishing my errands.  The next stop involved street parking in Lincoln Park around lunchtime, where I came upon a gem of a space right in front of the building I needed to visit.  As I got out of the car, I noticed a delivery truck with its hazards on parked right in front of me with less than two feet of space between his back overhead door and the front of my car.  Before I had a chance to consider the implications of me parking so close behind the truck, the driver ran out from inside a nearby storefront, which was to receive a large delivery from the truck.  The delivery driver pointed out that he wouldn’t be able to put the ramp down from the back of the truck, and therefore wouldn’t be able to unload his goods, and asked me to move my car.  Glancing at the Pay to Park sign above my car, I quickly tried to figure out a solution to the dilemma of both of us needing the parking space I was currently and legally occupying.  I was within 2 minutes of being late to my appointment and knew I would never find another parking space close-by, if at all.  I also knew me staying put would cause the driver undue problems with both his delivery and his day.  After conversing back and forth for a few minutes with the driver, each of us making suggestions that the other party take action, he finally spotted a parking spot across the street that had just been vacated.   We locked eyes, as if to say, “Let’s do this thing!”  Without a word, he walked into the street, held 2 directions of traffic up, and directed me into a u-turn right into the parking space.  I got out of the car and screamed a high-five to him and praised him for being a rain-maker.  I ran into my appointment just in the nick of time with a smile on my face.

After my appointment, I walked down to my favorite bagel shop for a coveted everything bagel-thin sandwich for the road.  I don’t usually dine out and hardly ever eat bagels, so I was pumped for the treat, but disappointed to find that there were none left in the display case. 

“There’s more in the oven,” the cashier answered in response to my heartbroken gaze into the case where the everything bagels usually sit.  “They’ll be out in 3 minutes.”

To be honest, any other time, I would, without a doubt, proclaim in that same situation that I didn’t have time to wait, and rush out of the store in a sprint to get back to my meter that was due to expire any minute.  Today, though, the good vibes being sent to me all day allowed me to sit tight for a minute and chill. The bagel was taken out of the oven and deemed too hot by the cashier to load the fixins of a sandwich onto, which might have crushed me to the core on another day, as I like it just so. 

“No worries,” I heard myself say, “I’ll just take the hot bagel.”

Cha-chang

"I gave you a discount for the wait,” she whispered to me before ringing up my purchase.

Thank you Einstein’s! 

I sauntered to my car with 5-minutes to spare on the meter, and headed home to dress the bagel into what I now am considering ‘the best bagel sandwich ever made.’  And all of that was just this morning.  Imagine what I’ve got to look forward to tonight!

When I woke up this morning with a slight bit of trepidation toward the ridiculous amount of junk I had scheduled into my day, I truly didn’t expect such a smooth go of it.  In fact, my experience has led me to somewhat expect, in true Debi-Downer form, that the more I have to do, the more people and places I have to touch, allowing more opportunities for clogs in my day.  But sitting here nine hours later, having floated through my day without effort, drama, or stress, or a negative interaction with anyone, I have to wonder, could I do this every day?  Is it so unlikely to expect that things could actually go my way on a regular basis?

Of course that unrealistic to expect!  But it is NOT out of the realm of possibility to anticipate that I can respond to little wrinkles and bigger issues that I encounter with more positivity and patience and less haste and attitude, thereby setting the bar for the response I’d like to get from all other people I encounter each day. 

So next time Mariah Carey is belting out that annoyingly catchy “All I Want for Christmas” from the reception area in the dentist’s office for the 2nd time in your one-hour wait for your root canal, don’t clench your jaw and promise yourself you will have someone’s job if you’re not called back into the chair within 60 seconds. 

Instead, take a deep breath and sing along or tap your foot along to the music, and look the hygienist in eye when she finally calls you back, and give her the warmest smile you’ve got in your bag o’ tricks and say, “Thank you for fitting me in.  Have a great day!”

By exhaling some positive energy, you can break the attitude you’ve been carrying around and set the stage for the type of energy you’d like to receive back in your day. 

Just Be With Your Kids

No matter how hard we try to slow down during the busy holiday season, sometimes we get caught up in the hustle and bustle.  With gifts to buy, people to visit, services to attend, and cookies to bake, sometimes we forget what's most important is standing right in front of us, our kids.  Our kids need our presence more than the presents need to be wrapped or the tree needs to be trimmed or the walkway needs to be shoveled.

Yesterday morning I woke up early to fit in a workout before the kids rolled out of bed, anxious to start their days.  After the workout, I intended to take a quick shower, do a few minutes of work, then make breakfast for the girls and prepare their lunch so I could be ready for some holiday shopping and baking later in the day.  My plan was shattered when the kids woke up early and wanted to snuggle with Mom in front of the twinkling Christmas tree.  They didn’t care about playing or reading books or watching the boob tube; they wanted to sit with me and just be.  

The tree needed watering and last evening’s dishes needed washing, but when my eldest daughter said, “Mom, can you come sit with us for a few minutes?” I moved on impulse toward my girls.

We sat on the sofa admiring the darkness outside the window, the soft light illuminating from the angel at the top of the tree, and comfortably enjoyed each other’s company without saying a single word.  We held hands, snuggled under the blanket, and just existed in peace.  

It could have been five minutes or an hour, as the clock stood still.  We were afforded a moment in time without technology, task lists, obligations or organized activities.  While none of us consciously acknowledged it, instinctually we knew it was time to cast off the cumbersome pace of our lives and rest not only our bodies and minds, but also our spirits.  I looked at my kids and realized even though they’re growing up so fast, they still need their parents.  They don’t need us to necessarily do anything for them or give anything to them.  They just need us to be with them.

After a bit, we slowly started our day, but a different sort of day than usual, without routines to adhere to.  Beds didn’t get made, but I had the pleasure of watching my kids open their advent calendar and one child treasuring the gift singularly for a minute before sharing it with the other child who didn't get a gift, as they rotate days on the calendar. Their room didn’t get cleaned but the excitement shared from my youngest over an upcoming visitor that afternoon made it worth a week of piled up dirty laundry!  My shower didn't get taken but I had time to make an extra batch of oatmeal with love for my eldest, who wasn't satisfied with just one bowl.  The trash didn't get taken out, but we enjoyed a morning sing-a-long of Deck the Halls and I realized just what an amazing piano player my daughter had become.  

The impromptu family time fed all of our souls and we had a day like no other, where we each appreciated every single moment of the day.  I saw it in my girls’ attitudes, actions, and moods and I felt it in my core.  I hope the lesson of just being with my kids stays with me always, so that when I’m in the kitchen baking later today, I don’t prioritize the consistency of the cookie dough over my daughter’s request to for a hug and some quiet time.  I hope that my plan of painting the girls’ nails like candy canes over the weekend doesn’t trump their need to just relax and listen to holiday music together.  And I hope that a quick run ‘to see a man about a dog’ doesn’t take precedence over an afternoon of unscripted family time.  It’s the holidays and time to what better time to take action to NOT take action. Just be, just exist, just enjoy time with your kids and family.  Scratch off the shoulds and have to’s for today and just be with your kids. 

Take Time to Smell the Roses

Just with the responsibilities of parenting, wage earning, and housekeeping, it’s easy to get caught up in the daily grind and not take time to appreciate, much less enjoy, a single minute of your time.  Add to your commitments family and social obligations, and maybe a hobby or organization that requires time, and you can find yourself in complete obligation overload, with no time to be grateful for the first flower bud popping out after the cold winter or the developing vibrancy of your child’s personality.  If you don’t slow down and pay attention to the little treasures we tend to bypass every day, you deny yourself the opportunity for balance and harmony.

I am the worst offender of trying to fit in more tasks in one daypart than humanly possible.  Have an extra forty-five minutes on my hands?  I’m going to make it to Costco for household items, fill up the car with gas, and deposit that check at the bank I’ve been carrying around for 2 weeks.  Four hours to myself while the kids are at school?  I can do a 45-minute workout, make a new music playlist, do the laundry, work a few hours for my job, and sew on the button that fell off of my new pants, all with 5 minutes to spare before pickup.  When I used to work full-time, I used to pride myself on how much stuff I could get done in short periods of time.  It’s called efficiency and I thrive on it.

I find, though, that the more efficiently I function now as a stay-at-home mom, the more opportunities I miss.  The more stuff I'm able to accomplish, the less I'm able to enjoy, because I'm constantly running so fast.  Who cares that I got the garage cleaned and the flowers watered before pick-up time, when it was at the expense of turning down an invitation for coffee with a friend?  So what that I finished the online preschool applications before the rest of the neighborhood, when I traded in an hour of my actual preschooler “reading” to me?  No one gave me a high five because I finished the weekly shopping and cleaned the house in the time that I could have rested my body and soul with an afternoon catnap in the sun after reading a few chapters of a juicy book.  I feel like as a society, we have a tendency these days to go so fast and furious that we often times don’t even know what we’re doing, must less why we’re performing it so quickly.  Our priorities get lost and our time gets sucked away.  We miss the little things:  the rainbow after a downpour, the new puppy pawing at your ankle, and the fact that the neighbor who you see every day is somehow now six months pregnant without you having ever noticed!

As parents, we can’t help but struggle with prioritizing our time, as we’re pulled in many different directions, which is simply the nature of the job.  How often do we think about the ramifications of our decisions on priorities, though?  Not often enough.  While it may not seem like a big deal that you’re texting a friend or emailing a client while your child is telling you about his day, all in the name of multi-tasking, it actually registers loud and clear.  It’s great that you’ve spent a full year obsessively decorating your house to perfection, but does it really matter if you have no friends to come enjoy it with you because you’ve blown them off for twelve months?  The kids most certainly don’t give a shit about the final living room arrangement, but they definitely learned to realize in that year that its importance trumps time spent with them while you were out shopping for that last perfect piece to pull the room together. 

It’s bad enough that some of us have an unnatural need to fill every spare minute with a productive activity.  It’s even worse when we apply that need to our children’s lives.  I’m all for learning the value of the whole with a team sport, practicing the discipline required to learn to play an instrument, or whatever interest your child may pursue.  But there’s such a thing as too much of a good thing.  By running them from soccer to gymnastics to chess club to violin lessons and then through the drive-through before evening homework, we’re setting them up for never properly developing the art of experiencing life as it comes to them.  Heck, they can’t even see life coming at them as they’re moving so fast!  You may have conversations while you cart them around, but everyone’s attention is split with at least one other thing, like driving or preparing for the next activity.  Missed is the opportunity to discuss today’s science experiment with their friend or teacher on the corner on their way home from school, because we’re rushing them home for a snack before baseball.  Gone are the days of playing outside all day, using creativity to keep themselves occupied, and collecting and studying lightning bugs after dusk.  There’s no time for any of that.  We’re too busy getting to Little Gym and Drama Club.  We’re caught up in cutting people off when they talk to us because we don’t have time to listen.  We’ve got to be somewhere, dammit!  It takes more than one hand of fingers for me to count how many times I’ve actually broken into a run in the last week alone on the way to pick someone up, drop someone off, or get myself somewhere.

It’s funny because my kids have never displayed the want to constantly run at warped speed to places and things.  They’d much prefer hanging out at home, playing outside drawing on the sidewalks and scootering to the neighbor kid’s house to say hello.  I always promised myself I would let my children’s personalities dictate the pace of their activities.  I started off strong when my eldest was small.  I favored talking a walk around the neighborhood to see the turtles pop their heads up from the lake to the organized Wiggle Worms kids’ music classes.  I didn’t fall prey to the 3-year-old cheer program, but instead opted for building things out of pots and pans on the kitchen floor.  Somehow I fell off the wagon, though, as my family got larger, my kids older, and my time less my own.  I guess subconsciously I started to reclaim time for myself by booking up my kids’ time.  It started small with a park district cIass here and a Preschool hour there.  I’d then book my new-found hour with other tasks and priorities instead of just enjoying the peace and quiet.  It kept growing until I found myself this last semester completely unable to keep up with just the weekly schedule of my kids’ activities, coupled with my own.  Between leading talent show practices, morning workouts, and moms’ night out, I fit in dinner parties, date-nights, writing every day, and a part-time job.  While I love all of those things, combined it was completely insane and counterproductive, because I started resenting, instead of enjoying, each normally fun activity.  I was not only overbooking my own time with activities that weren’t the highest priorities in our lives, but also overbooking my kids’ time with activities.

For a kid whose favorite thing in the world to do is relax and read a book without a single plan on the horizon, I sent my eldest daughter over the edge with weekly piano lessons, tennis lessons, Brownies, and twice-weekly dance practice.  I had booked her for so many activities that I had to hire a babysitter to watch my toddler so as to get her to the places she need to go.  Half-way through the semester, a twice-weekly running program started at school that she wanted to participate in as well, so I encouraged her to join that too.  Pretty soon she was overscheduled beyond comprehension, with at least one activity every day after school and more times than not, a social or family obligation over the weekend.  She had no downtime, no time to play, and rarely a moment to reflect.  She revolted by being cranky and snarky in the mornings, taking twice as long on homework after school, and asking if it was okay to turn down birthday party invitations.  She squawked at any mention of a family activity outside the home on the weekends and started a habit of crying when I spent time with both girls, complaining that she never got any alone time with her moms.

The mountain of obligation I had created for my family became crystal clear over Spring Break.  We traveled to Lake Geneva with another family, where we spent five days in an unoccupied home on the lake, with not a single activity planned.  My family unwound by rolling in the grass, reading books in front of the fireplace,  walking the trails around the lake, and playing long games of hacky sack.  The laid-back friends we vacationed with brought with them two pairs of binoculars, and the girls took turns watching birds and learning to recognize the different types.  My girls thrived in the relaxing environment where they were able to just exist and unhurriedly experience whatever came their way.  They were happier than I remember seeing them in ages.  Months later they still talk about the bugs they saw in Wisconsin, the horse named Maddie they petted in the town square, and at least every other day they excitedly poke me or whisper to me to check out the female robin they just spotted. 

Once again, I have vowed to follow the natural pace of my own children when it comes to scheduling and activities.  We’ve almost finished our obligations for the school year, and we’re reveling in playing at the park after school and taking random bike rides and walks around the neighborhood just because, not to actually get anywhere.  I’m still me, so I torture myself daily with considering booking a free hour with a playdate or an organized trip to a destination, but the good news is it usually doesn’t get past the consideration phase as I reel myself back in and try to surround myself with other like-minded parents  that keep me in check.  For now it seems to be working, as when I asked my eldest daughter about her Best Part and Worst Part of last weekend, she said her Best Part was having the whole weekend to relax without having to do anything specific and she said she actually didn’t have a Worst Part.  Score. 

My kids’ utter enjoyment and amazement at the little things they encounter every day by just paying attention has started to rub off on me too.  When confronted with a workday that ended short this week, instead of packing in the usual tasks I could accomplish in two hours time, I opted for reading a newspaper in the back yard in the sun and instead of practicing the kickbox routine for the class I teach once a week, I took a three-hour walk through my old neighborhood, stopping to talk to people and see things.  The sky didn't fall because the laundry piled up, my kids didn't suffer because we had to eat out one night instead of cook, and no one even noticed that the floor has accumulated dust.  What they did noticed was that their mom asked them more questions about their day at school and let them choose and make their own dinner.  They noticed that piano lesson was forgotten, skipped, and not remembered until the following week, when they rolled on the floor and laughed in hysterics at the pace of their lives.  They noticed that they can breathe easier when their parents can breathe easier.

Once again I run up against the misnomer I’ve followed for years that I’m here to teach my kids lessons.  My kids teach me more every single day than I could teach them in a lifetime!  Most kids are born with a curiosity for those things around them….nature, people, and things built by man.  Instinctively they know when to take time to enjoy the view.  Follow their lead and listen to you own natural instinct to take a minute to enjoy the powerful scent of the rose.  The office, the clients, the writing, the projects, the exercising, the housecleaning, and the chores aren’t going anywhere…they’ll be right there waiting for you, none the wiser.  Odds are, you’ll be better able to accommodate their demands if you take a minute for yourself to appreciate the little things beforehand.