Take a Closer Look

I could hear the crying from the girls’ bedroom the second I climbed up the basement stairs. 

What this time? I thought to myself, exasperated.  My 5-year-old is having a hard time these days with her emotions.  Tears seem to be a daily occurrence and the source usually has something to do with her older sister.  They share a room, and while they get along famously and still play together on most days, they also get on each others’ nerves greatly; they both like to be in control.

I climbed the ladder to my daughter’s bunk and found her crumpled in the corner, wailing in misery as big crocodile tears ran down her face. 

“What’s wrong, Sweet Girl?” I inquired at eye level.

Through heaving sobs, she managed to convey to me that her older sister had moved her babies’ crib out of the room and she wanted them to stay because she likes her babies to sleep in her room with her. 

Assessing the situation before I uttered a word, I saw her twin doll babies lying at the foot of her bed, instead of situated in the monstrous double-decker crib, that as of a few moments ago, sat at the entrance of their bedroom, but now was nowhere to be found.  The side-by-side double stroller that she’d been pushing throughout the house for the past few days was nowhere to be seen either.  I questioned my older daughter with my eyes without uttering a word.

“There’s just not room in this small bedroom for all of your baby stuff and for both of us.   I have to move the stroller from in front of my closet just so I can get dressed every day.  And the crib is blocking the door from closing at night.  They just have to go downstairs with the rest of our toys,” her big sister explained too her patiently.

Made sense to me.  I didn’t need to intervene here, I told myself. 

“It’s okay, babe.  There’s no need to be upset.  It’s not a big deal; we just need to move the baby stuff downstairs.”

As new tears rolled down her face,  my baby girl whimpered, “But it’s a big deal to me!”

Stopped in my tracks.  She was right.  It was a big deal to her.  It was my kindergartener’s entire world.  Babies.

Although she has numerous dollies and strollers and play pack n plays and carriers, she’d demonstrated patience and restraint for the past year, saving her weekly family economy money from performing chores and meeting responsibilities, in order to buy twin bitty babies and a twin stroller.  She’s talked about it every single day for the last year:  what she’ll do with them, what she’ll name them, where she’ll take them, and how it will feel to have twins. 

Over the weekend, she was overjoyed to open an early birthday gift of the coveted babies and stroller.  She took no mind of the fact that one of the dolls, baby Elizabeth, was her own 10-year-old hand-me-down from her sister, of whom she’s been playing with for the past few years.  She didn’t mind that the 2nd “twin” was simply bought used to match.  She didn’t notice the wear and tear on the pre-owned stroller t either.  All she cared about was those sweet little baby sisters that needed a Mommy to love them.  She quickly chose the name Eliza for the 2nd doll, and has spent the past 4 days adoringly caring for those dolls.  She’d roped her older sister into the excitement as well.  My 11-year-old has played with my little one and the babies nonstop without complaint, and had even carved out a space for the baby paraphernalia in their tiny shared bedroom.  She even offered to care for the twins while home sick from school earlier in the week, as the twins' mom would have to leave them to attend kindergarten.

As all good things usually come to an end, my pre-teen daughter had finally grown tired of the doting and was ready to move on.  My younger daughter, however, was still madly in love with the idea of caring for those babies.

We eventually came to a solution that worked for both girls, moving the stroller to the basement, and rearranging some furniture to accommodate the crib so Elizabeth and Eliza can sleep in the same room with their mommy. 

But that one sentence keeps ringing through my ears.  It’s a big deal to me.   The idea that something so nominal to one person, could so greatly affect another, is something to pay attention to.  It seems that if we could figure out what matters and what doesn’t to an individual, a group of people, or an entire region, we could solve so many problems before they even arise.  It explains so much about our society:  who we surround ourselves with, what motivates us, when we take action and when we don’t, where we draw a line in the sand, why we make the decisions we do, and how we react to certain situations….all based on what we hold near and dear. 

As a parent, we oftentimes become so accustomed to putting out fires we’ve seen flame before and barking out instructions to solve familiar problems that we forget the most important step in the equation:  assessing the situation.  Sometimes it’s an open and closed case and what you see is what you get, i.e stealing a cookie from the cookie jar.  But the majority of situations require gathering information we cannot see, which often requires listening.  Seems easy enough, but with our buy-in to this fast paced society that surrounds us, we often bypass this step in the name of efficiency or share it with other tasks, thereby diluting its effectiveness. 

There’s not a one amongst us who doesn’t want to really know their child, or their spouse or loved one, for that matter:  who they are and what makes them tick.  We sometimes think, though, that we already know the scoop based on what we see or what we’ve experienced in the past.  Most people change or alter their focal points, though, over time, and in the case of children, it can happen in the blink of an eye.  What was crucial last week can be replaced with a more vital stance by week’s end.  I find that every time I think I know anything, I am quickly reminded that I don’t know squat.  So today I’m pledging to listen, not just hear, but really process, what the people around me say, instead of assuming the situation, tone, or sentiment.  I’m going to view each interaction as an opening into the inner workings of the person, which only enhances my ability to better communicate and care for each.  Want to take a closer look with me?

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Sometimes I don’t recognize the world we live in.  From a parenting perspective, I definitely don’t recognize much of today’s style from that of my youth.  From a business angle, I’m unfamiliar with today’s lackluckster principles when I compare them not only to what I used to expect as a consumer and now know is nonexistent, as well as the standards I would hold myself accountable to as an employee/contractor/someone who provides products or services.  And from a personal standpoint, I can’t for the life of me, understand why we communicate the way we do as friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances, regardless of how advanced technology is, as it seems like taking a step backward in regards to fostering relationships.  But if there’s one thing I’ve got a handle on, it is people.  People are easy.  They’re always the same, no matter what the current trend is.  There are good ones and there are bad ones.  The key to existing among them all is to know how to identify which is which and what to expect from each group.

The identification process seems like it should be easy.  The solid good and solid bad people are no brainers, even when you account for subjectivity, as they are constantly acting and speaking in ways that show their true colors.  We expect solid intentions, integrity, and honesty from good people.  The folks who give up their secular lives to serve God, those that consistently give of themselves for others, and those that are forever helping out and giving words of support and encouragement are usually batched into the GOOD side.  On the opposite end of the gamut is folks BAD to the core.  For these folks, we expect ill intent, deceit, and usually harm.  It usually goes that the people who rape, kill, steal, and spew hate are dead giveaways to being on the BAD end of the radar.  There’s a myriad of people in between.  This is where it gets murky.  

No matter what your predestined or learned character is, we all have the propensity to teeter from one side to the other from time to time.  In fact, I would say the vast majority of people appear like they’re stuck in this middle ground of good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things.  It seems like they’re almost the same.  I beg to differ, though.  I truly believe that most people, regardless of bad actions or words, have the best of intentions, and are therefore good.  However, identifying and acknowledging that small percentage of people you meet that are truly bad at heart, even though they’re posing as good folks, is paramount to your success in peacefully co-existing with them.

But how do you interpret those folks in the middle?  You do it by monitoring the consistency in their actions over time, and always circling back around to intention.  A good person who does bad things, no matter how often, usually can be cracked as a good egg by analyzing intention and overall ratio of good/bad actions.  If the endeavor is positive, even though the execution is not always on track with folks, odds are they’re just good peeps stumbling along the way of learning to demonstrate their true selves by way of their actions.  Over time, we usually subconsciously note that the number of good actions outweigh the bad in virtuous folks.  A bad person who does good things, however, can usually be debunked over time when the quantity of bad actions surpasses the number of good actions.  Again, intention must be considered, as well.  Was the action born out wicked intent?  Was it meant to produce harm?  If the answer is consistently or even just more often than not, yes, then you’ve come across a bad seed.

Now let me be clear: I can hang with and truly enjoy, as well as usually learn something, from just about anyone.  It’s stamped into my DNA to be able to talk to any scam artist, drug dealer, or party girl sitting next to me at a bar, gab with any drag queen or grand dad standing behind me in line at the grocery, or find a commonality with any Tiger Mom volunteering at school with me.  I do not discriminate; there’s room in my personal interaction spectrum for all.  I can usually find something positive in, and extract something noteworthy from, just about everyone I meet.  The people I allow into the inner folds of my family circle, though, have to be proven good stock.  

If you learn to identify the type of person you’re dealing with in every situation, and learn what to expect from each type of person, you can usually go mostly unscathed.  Luckily, for most of us this isn’t too difficult because naturally we try to surround ourselves with good people.  Even if you’ve done battle with, or been part of, The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly in other periods of your life, as your kids start to grow up and recognize the difference between right and wrong and look to you as a role model, I think we all subconsciously start cleaning out our houses of acquaintance.  I’ve weeded out some of the obvious bad, held on longer than necessary to some of the questionable characters in my sphere, but eventually just came to a place where some of the old lot was grandfathered in, but anyone new gaining access to my family, through my friendship, must go through a rigorous test aimed at identifying decency.  My testing is not disguised…it’s similar to Glenda, The Good Witch, asking Dorothy, “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” I say lay it out on the table.  It’s funny, because most people will tell you outright, if asked, what they’re all about.  Even if they don’t say the words, “I’m a good person” or “Watch out for me, I’m not a very good person,” they’ll unconsciously spell it out with their response.

Let’s be honest, though.  Most of us don’t ask people about their intentions.  Most of us use our perception of people, and that sometimes is comprised only of a first impression, to establish if someone falls above or below the decency line.  And we don’t usually consciously decide if someone is a good person or a bad person.  We just process that in the background of our brain and use it as a baseline to determine what to expect from that person in the future.  When you know what sort of people you’re dealing with and what sort of actions to expect from different types of people, it’s easy to work within the confines of probability.  In other words, the guys (or gals) that daily stalk our alleys, waiting for an unlocked back door or an open garage door as an opportunity for theft, they don’t stump me.  I am not hurt or surprised when our bikes get stolen, as I would expect thieves to steal anything they can get their hands on.  I do not judge, as I have no idea what said thief is dealing with at home, nor if he or she might truly need my bike more than I do, say as a sole mode of transportation.  But I surely wouldn’t ask them to housesit for me when I’m out of town.  Conversely, the neighborhood mom who always has time for a smile and a kind word of encouragement for anyone who crosses her path, even though she’s busy raising four kids, supporting an extended family, coaching the Special Olympics Team for her youngest special-needs child, all while waiting for her military husband to come back from serving his country overseas, I don’t question her impact on my family or society as a whole.  I know what I’m working with in both cases.

When you stick to what to you know and expect people to be who they are, it’s all good.  It’s when you expect different results from people, or even doubt the experience you’ve had with someone, that you tend to falter.  When you constantly wait for the tried and true husband to screw up, you’re looking for trouble.  When you keep expecting Sigourney Weaver to do the right thing in Working Girl, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.  Don’t expect the worst of good people just because you’re in a bad mood or overly suspect one day, and don’t let your guard down around folks proven to act on ill intent, no matter how much you want to think they’re turning over a new leaf.  I’ve been known to every so often re-question the results of my testing on people, thinking somehow the assessment was faulty even though I’ve time-trialed no less than ten times.  Luckily my kids are constantly pointing out the obvious.

“Your friend Jack is a flake, Mom, but he’s still a good person” or “Mom, why would you stay friends with someone who constantly hurts your feelings?  I know I wouldn’t.”

My kids really put it in perspective for me.  You see, we adults occasionally get confused when the good folks sometimes do bad things and the bad folks sometimes do good things.  We think it’s a deal-breaker, a side-switcher, a game-changer.  It’s not.  Kids know it’s not.  They can see right through people.  They gravitate toward good and cower from evil, similar to how animals instinctively do.  We adults have those primitive intuitions too, but we often let the ultra-fast pace of our lives and sometimes peer pressure dull our response to our instincts.   Follow your gut.  Consult your inner child for direction.  Do whatever you have to do.  But know who you’re dealing with at all times, and anticipate their actions and behavior.  You’ll simplify your life.