R E S P E C T

Sitting near the playground with a group of parents after school one day, a child came up to ask for a snack from his mother.  One of the other parents asked him if he was enjoying his debate team practices.

“Of course I like it, I’m a good debater,” he snapped to the parent.

Trying another angle, the parent commented, “Your mom is a great speaker.  I bet you inherited her love of words.”

“Uh, are you trying to be funny?” the 12-year-old sarcastically replied.  “She doesn’t know anything!  She wouldn’t know a good debate topic of it hit her in the ass.”

I inhaled sharply and held my breath, waiting to see how the boy would respond to the beat-down that was about to be bestowed upon him from his mother.

Honey Badger Don't Care!

To my astonishment, the mother didn’t bat an eye.  She calmly handed the boy his snack, didn’t respond at all, and acted as if nothing had happened.  She didn’t act upset by the put-down, nor concerned with the profanity used by her pre-teen in the company of a group of adults. 

It's as if she was silently chanting, "Honey Badger don't care!

I was so agitated by the lack of respect the child had shown his mother that I had to physically remove myself from the situation, before I opened my mouth.  On the one hand, it was none of my business, as every parent has their own style of child-rearing and should be free to use it.  On the other hand, I was so sickened by the lack of correction on the mother’s part that I wanted to scream to her that she was contributing to the arrogance of an ever-changing society by expecting no esteem whatsoever from her child!

Do you remember when you were a child and you were expected to tow the line in regards to your words, your tone, and your attitude?  I would get sent to my room, grounded, spanked, or given “the eye” from my parents if I spoke with disrespect to either one of them.  My parents’ response was lax in comparison to the punishment some of my friends would receive if they back-talked or spoke disrespectfully to their elders.  That expectation of courtesy and regard was extended to virtually anyone I came in contact with:  my sister, my cousins, my grandparents, my teachers, my parent’s friends, a stranger I’d meet on the street, the list goes on.  I really can’t think of a single person that was excluded from this deference.  Every kid I knew, even the kids that were bigger trouble-makers than me, as to be fair, I was a handful as a child, had been raised the same way.  We were all taught to respect our elders, show consideration for our peers, and reverence to our juniors.

So why today, less than half of a decade later, do I hear so many snotty children, teens, and yes adults, speak so contentiously to other people?  A customer cussing and screaming at a store associate, a child rolling her eyes at her teacher, a wife belittling her husband in front of a group of people,  a bus driver refusing to acknowledge the greeting of a passenger, and yes, a child calling his mother stupid….what is going on with our world? 

Throughout history, we’ve always seen examples of a few bad apples that infect the bushel, but I’ve just come to realize that as a society, there are more people shit-talking today than I can ever remember in my life!   Sure, maybe I didn’t pay as much attention when I was younger as I do now, and yes, one can point out that my perspective as a matriarch of a growing family is definitely changed since I was a young mover and shaker, not as concerned with my image.  Still, I find myself cringing on a regular basis about how I hear people talking to one another.  We speak without regard, without courtesy, and worst of all, without implication.  It’s as if it has become a given that we no longer respect one another, as is represented by the blatant disregard that has become acceptable in our society for others.

I wish I could say it’s just a fad parenting style being bestowed upon our children, and therefore has a somewhat easy fix, as it would eventually die out.  I think it’s much more serious, though, as the same generation of people that raised me to not only speak respectfully to and about others, but also to give people my respect by acknowledging that I’m not always right, are now contributing to the problem as well.

Take, as illustration, the unconcealed name-calling and the steadfast refusal to follow the leadership of our President of the United States by common citizens and lawmakers alike.  Again, through the years, there’s always folks that don’t agree with all of the policies and practices that are initiated by the President in office.  But that’s to be expected, right, as we’re all different people with unique views of the world?  When did it become acceptable, though, to proudly denounce a man we voted into office as our leader less than four years ago as a tar baby, a dick, a baby killer, or the antichrist?  Sure, not all of us voted for him, but that’s the way the ball has bounced for years.  You can never make everyone happy all of the time.  But to reduce the current-day remedy for our discontent to simply a tongue lashing toward our neighbor is so sad.

My point is not political in context.  I’m sure you could find similar public examples of deliberate disregard for our last president.  My point is that the boldness of our disrespect is intensifying every single year.  If left unchecked, how does it affect our world?  Do we become a lawless society, where our hateful words are matched with physical force?  Do we operate on the principal of every man for himself, as we’re incapable of existing in a community environment that relies on teamwork because we’re so nasty to one another?  Where does it stop?  It doesn’t stop until we take the effort to stop it.

I think we can still initiate a change in attitude toward one another, but it takes diligence.  It’s a three-part plan that requires discipline with our children, acknowledgement of our own use of disrespect, and modifying our family’s behavior. 

Instilling discipline in your children in regards to demanding respect will get the ball rolling.  Don’t pretend you don’t hear what they’re saying or acknowledge how they’re acting.  Be a parent and address the behavior in whatever style works for you.  Correct them on the spot, or wait for the privacy of your home, but just make sure you do it.  Let them know your expectation in regards to their words, tone, and attitude, as well as behavior.  They will respect you more if you hold them to your expectation.  If you bypass a disrespectful comment your child makes because you don’t have the time or energy to deal with the response, you open the door for your child to repeat the language or action because experience has shown him that it is okay.  

Next, check yourself before you wreck yourself.  Have a one-on-one with your bad self and really self-assess your own behavior in regards to respecting others.  Do you occasionally or often make nasty comments about other people under your breath?  Do you name call or yell at others when you get charged up about something?  Do you frequently use a condescending tone with your children, boss, or peers?  Make a list, whether mental or physical, of what you need to work on curbing, and then make a plan to modify your behavior.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the moment and use attitude to deal with a problem that could have been rectified with calm words and behavior.  Catch yourself.  Model the situation before it happens.  If your child hears you call the police officer that ticketed you a rat bastard, it can eat away at your kid’s supposed respect for authority.  Play out the scenarios in your head….what makes you angry?  What is your current response to that stimulus?  Is it a respectful response?  If it’s not, drop the behavior and replace it with something more positive.  Instead of letting your child hear you proudly call your city’s mayor a scum-bucket because you don’t agree with his policies on city-generated revenue, show your child that you can effectively and respectively get your point across with a well-written letter stating the facts.  Don’t let him learn by your bad example that it’s okay to be disrespectful if it happens to be a really important issue.  Your child will learn to make every issue very important. 

While the barometer of what is respectful can be somewhat fluid depending on the situation, overall, if you’d consider a comment, action, or behavior aimed toward your child, your mother, or your grandfather to be disrespectful, you shouldn’t say or do it toward another person.  I strongly believe that if we actively try to be decent human beings, all of the time, we will train ourselves to speak and act respectfully, without even trying, by sheer practice.  It’s about considering how you speak to others and how you feel about yourself.  It’s about caring how you come across and how you are viewed as a person.  It’s about respecting your children enough to give them the tools to be peaceful.  It’s about respecting yourself enough to address your internal issues and keep yourself in check.  And finally, it’s about surrendering to the idea that all people, not just people you like or love or admire, or people just like you, deserve our respect.  Own it.  Practice it.  Live it.     

Recognize Your Impact

As parents, we are usually aware, in the moment, of those occasions that define us as good parents and those that render us bad parents.  Giving your child a shoulder to cry on when he faces his first disappointment, without weighing in your two cents on the matter = good parent.  Leaving your child sitting on a bench at the bus stop in town while you score some dope a few streets over = bad parent.  The extremes are no-brainers.  It’s the in-between occurrences, which make up the majority of interactions with our kids, we don’t always recognize as having the ability to mold our children’s perceptions.    Chastising your child because she doesn’t know how to decipher between the various tools in the toolbox = ambiguous. 

“Goddammit, Stacy, it’s the Phillips head I need, not the flat head,” my dad yelled at the 8-year–old version of me, from underneath the ’79 Buick, when I handed him the straight-edged tool. 

I was running in and out of the garage bringing tools to my dad, trying to help him with his task of getting the car back up and running.  A natural fixer of all things broken, he was trying to impart some fix-it knowledge onto me by letting me be his assistant for the job.  Unfortunately, what I took from that day was that I was a dumbass for not knowing the difference between the two screwdrivers.  Even as a kid, I knew I was smart, so I wasn’t concerned about not being bright enough to know the difference between the two tools. I was simply upset that I had disappointed my dad. 

Fast forward thirty-some years and I create the same scene with my own child.  I use my 8-year-old daughter’s previous attempt at dusting as an example of how not to dust the house.

“Do you seriously think this clean?” I ask her incredulous.   “If you’re going to do a half-assed job, I’d rather you not help at all.”

Same shit, different year. 

Before I even looked over to see the hurt look in her eyes, I knew the harm I had caused.  I had just hammered her with disapproval.  A super sensitive kid with a sincere want to always be helpful, as well as a need to please, she amazingly held it together for what I thought might be the rest of the evening.  I continued my sweeping, until I opened her bedroom door a few minutes later and found her curled up in my girlfriend’s arms, crying her heart out. 

All the kid was trying to do was help.  In fact, during family cleaning hour, her task was supposed to be mopping, as she loves to mop.  My youngest daughter couldn’t seem to wrap her head around her own dusting assignment and had sauntered off to play dollies, so my older daughter had offered to stand in for her, taking on the additional responsibility.  It was while performing this act of kindness that I spewed such harsh words at her. 

Once she calmed down, I apologized for my harsh words and asked for her forgiveness. 

“It’s OK, Mom,” she said in her sad little voice.  “It’s just not fair that I was just trying to help you and you yelled at me,” she said as her almost-swollen-shut eyes welled up with tears yet again.

No, it’s not OK and it’s not fair.  No amount of stress or craziness is an excuse for taking out your angst on your kids, especially over a dust job!  Enough of those types of interactions with a parent can cause not only problems in parent-child relationships, but also can crack away at the self-esteem of children. 

 

In trying to figure out how I got the breaking point where I would yell at my kid over something as unimportant as her dusting skills, I came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter how I got there.  I just needed to stay the hell away from that point in the future.  The truth of the matter is that no matter how many bits of useful knowledge and skill that my dad has passed down to me over the years, like bleeding the brakes on my car and taking apart my computer and replacing the parts before putting it back together again, the first thing that comes to mind when I think of his ability to fix things is the inadequacy I felt when he yelled at me over the freakin’ screwdriver thirty-some years ago.  I pray that I have not etched my daughter’s memory bank with the same feelings of deficiency over the dust rag.  

Odds are, the damage has already been done.  The good news is that if I’ve done my job right as a parent so far, like my parents did with me, my kids will grow up unscathed by my occasional lapses in parental judgment, and will be able to decipher between a bad parenting interaction and a bad parent.  Only time will tell.